Westchester View

A real estate colleague of mine from another geographic area  recently wrote an article on  private forum about a REALTOR all of us in the business are all too  familiar with. He named her Ethyl Broomhandle  and I would give this agent credit for his diatribe, but I have a feeling that he wanted his comments to remain anonymous.

We all know her.

The most obnoxious real estate agent that God ever created.  Aggressive, nasty, mentions repeatedly that she has been in the business since the dawn of time.  Agents cringe in horror when a buyer falls in love with one of her listings.  I’ve written about her before on professional forums. In fact – a good chunk of my time with my real estate coach is spent talking about how to deal  with the Ethyl Broomhandle’s of the real estate world without finding myself at the bottom of a bottle of Cabernet every night.

But through all of this,  I never came clean.  Well I have a confession to make… you see I created Ethyl…I did this 20 years ago when I was young and foolish. While the public was focused on the cloning of Dolly the cloned sheep – they didn’t know that a group of mad scientists – of which I was one  – had  created clones of thousands of “worst nightmare”  real estate agents and deposited them in every brokerage across the continental US.

How did this happen?

You see – about 20 years ago when I was first starting out as a budding mad scientist – we were under a lot of stress.  We decided that we deserved to have  a “fun project” to lighten our burden.  Then one night a couple of us got drunk while watching Star Trek reruns we got our inspiration from this episode: The clip gives you the conclusion…

In this episode – Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy decided to create hundreds of copies of a henpecking android to punish Harry Mud for causing problems for the crew of the Enterprise.  He was was left on a small planet with 500 “Stella’s” all screaming at him.

We were cloning almost everything – so why not a REALTOR? Why not clone the worst most aggressive, useless, pointless REALTOR in the world – make thousands of copies.  No one would mind – their purpose in life would be to torture other REALTORS and everyone hates REALTORS anyway. If we were caught, we could argue that we did this as a public service.

But we didn’t stop there – We chose the DNA of the “original” Ethy Broomhandle. Her name was actually  Stella DragonLady and she was a piece of work to begin with.  But  we souped up her DNA with several genes and enhancers .

1. We added alleles dragonlady 1, 2, & 3 – genes know to enhance sarcasm and bitchiness.
2. We added the jackass promoter.  In men this piece of DNA enhances  the phenotype of the “jerk.” In women it enhances  the ability to seek out male companions with money – who ironically are generally jerks.
3. We also threw in the  a newly discovered gene called cha-ching in order to be sure our clones could smell money.
4. We  incorporated the gene called puff. We called it that not only because source of inspiration came from something you puff – but because this clever gene removes all inhibition to blatant self-promotion and exaggeration. An individual possessing the enhanced version of this allele is capable of repeating “I’ve been in this business for over 100 years” every five minutes with a straight face.
5. Our final touch was to add  the catclaw promoter – which works synergistically with the dragonlady locus taking the phenotype to a whole a new level of bitchiness.

Now one of our progeny – Ethyl Broomhandle  has come back to remind me of my dark past.  I guess the experiment worked.

© 2010 – Ruthmarie G. Hicks – http://thewestchesterview.com – All rights reserved.